ending the year 2008

i wish i close this year with happy memories.
i wish i move on to 2009 with a smile.
i wish i see bright things for the future.

remorse starts creeping in and biting every inch of me, flesh and soul. my mind is so occupied with thoughts of the future given all the developments in the family and in my own personal affairs. fear starts to control my whole being as i wait for the year to end and for another year to come.

unlike the other year, today is not so hopeful. i start hating the people i love. the recent topic brought up in the family's discussion was not something that could easily turn my mind from despair.

i know this is just a moment, that this time would only pass. it wont last long. but even if i have figured this out, still it does not save me from the emotional turmoil i feel inside. this feeling of being an outcast, of being misunderstood, of being cheated and shortchanged, is more hurtful now that it is the family involved.