random thoughts

most of the time i find myself stuck in the very beginning of a writing agenda, so to dispose of the said problem (though a title is a very important element in writing), i just put on random thoughts as the heading...

God is good! this i know from the moment i was born, but lately He has demonstrated His love for me in so many ways. Exactly a week now, i left the philippines to visit friends in __________ and also to try my luck in this foreign land. not that to work here is the be-all and end-all of my efforts, in fact, it was only when i reached this place that i realized how unlucky we were to be brought up in corruption-laden phils. the almost half day trip to here was very tiring and there were moments when i felt scared (though i was with three friends that time) and intimidated by the kabayans in the immigration, my 'flightmates' (allow me to coin the word), and the airport attendants clad in green and brown uniforms which reminded me of hitler's time. but God is good, i got all the way to _________ safe and sound.

this place is so cool. so different from what i have known. my friends and i bask in the daily heat of the sun and at the same time enjoy the november breeze. at night the wind is a bit fiercer as december approaches. buildings stand with might against the desert wind. travellers like us stand in awe as we watch lighter versions of the arabian stand storm. we marvel at the dainty yet strong bridges that are products of human creativity and ingenuity. and i, personally, take pleasure in listening to the different tongues being uttered in singsong.

there is yet so much to see. a week has not demystified yet the wonder that this ancient but advanced land have. we have not tasted many of this land's food yet, not tried the strokes that their massage parlors offer, and we have not visited many of its nooks and corners yet. one thing for sure, i collect experiences each day to boast of to my children and my children's children in the years to come. and as i do this, i also collect friends- filipinos and foreign, with whom i grow and learn with and from. each day is a wonder. and i am so happy to have finally gained the courage to see the world and strive to be a better me.

...and it came back on her.

she was the player. she had a few boyfriends cry over her, their broken relationships, her many unfulfilled promises, and some wishful thoughts of love and marriage. she played the field, and she played it smart. and though she tripped in some of her adventures, she never tied the knot inspite of the boy's pleas for marriage and promises of fidelity.

now she falls in love, and she falls so hard and hit the ground so soon. though she and he are both in love, he is not ready for more serious commitment. while they enjoy being near yet far as the cliche goes, she now wants more. the thing is, she now wants to have the many things that were offered to her a few years back which she a little less cordially declined.

the boy cried in 2002. now she is crying.
(what a love story)

today is...

not so much of a happy day but i gave up all my research cares and simply dived off to do some personal stuffs. i owe this to myself, and even if it were during office hours when i processed some papers, went to see my optometrist, and did a little window shopping, i don't think bc is shortchanged. it's the other way around.

recently i have been working like a humanoid. some chip must have been inserted somewhere in this beautiful head that i started to map, interview, edit as if there is no tomorrow. i would understand this change if i were compensated well, like a per deim that is based on justice (tina rolls her eyes), some basic allowances for food and transportation (see, the per deim rate could not even amount to what we would pay if we get a good asian style massage to soothe the growing body pain), some vitamins or even an umbrella to shield me from the heat or rain.

... i dont think today is the time to speak. when i am this tired, i get so painfully vocal... tomorrow some wisdom (or reserve?) might dawn on me....

yesterday was...

a very tiring day, though i didn't really do much in the field.

i had a lot of learning to pick up the other day and i admire doki for her very smart and weighted- upon comments on the project. "i am sorry to put my foot forward" was the winning line and i was really mesmerized at how she managed to impose authority over us weaker creatures during the meeting.

i was reminded of my college professors. they were people like doki who wears authority like a halo, not because she sings of how good she is at her field, but because she has put whatever learning she has accumulated over the years over and above her pride. i always get fascinated by people like her whose personality wins the crowd, her words and comportment speak for the genius inside her.

she nagged us, alright, but it was acceptable. we didn't get right on track, not even keep up with the schedule. and with the deadline approaching, it was understandable if she took over the situation. there was no clear leadership anyway, and she was the only brain among the scattered peas (hekhekhek!).

such a witch she was to the eyes of some, but to me, she was somebody i look up to in the field of research. and really, being where i am now, i thought i would be jaded for the rest of my life (didn't i say to somebody a few years back that he gave up a bad name?! and that the transfer has not imposed upon me some extent of moral ascendancy as it is harder to distinguish the real score when supremacy is spoken and not done?). doki might just be the saving grace then.

writer's block

i have just recently read somewhere that the notion of a writer's block is a hoax. and while i have used the idea for some time to excuse myself from the idleness, i somehow agreed when the writer of the article pointed out that several reasons affect a person's relationship with words.

i caught myself thinking, evaluating, reconciling the truth behind the article to my own experience with words and with writing. lately, i find myself to be bursting with ideas to write on, with feelings wanting to be freed, with experiences which i thought had to be written down lest they be forgotten. but once i start clicking on the tab linking to a new blog entry, everything just disappears, like a bubble that pops on its own with the slightest touch of the wind. Remnants of what was a moment ago could have been paragraphs of emotions, of dreams, of explorations, of experiences, are the only things that would be left, leaving me doubtful of my own facility to write or if not, of my connection to my emotion and to my soul.

i attribute this inability to jot down my thoughts to writer's block. somehow the idea has served me well. for a time i have gotten away, every time a grand thought cascades in the mind but dissolves in thin air, with that little flaw. however, a day of not writing which proceed to a day more, a week, a month, is not something to be taken for granted. and so after reading the article i mentioned earlier, i sat alone, collected my thoughts on writing and not writing.

i fear of being too transparent, and even while writing this i know i am pouring out so much of my mind's content. this fear, i think now, is one of the many reasons why i have this writer's block. i am afraid of being vulnerable, and when i am so transparent to the point that people could easily read my thoughts, i think i am at my most vulnerable point. i shy away from intimate relationships. i only have a few really close friends, these are people who know me inside-out, who could read my mind like their own. i know people like me for me the ability to squeeze in the crowd, but only a few knows of my ups and downs. i could not write about something i do not want to be exposed. i have come to deny this fact, and so i owe everything to writer's block.

there are times though when i feel like going beyond this fear. there arouse sometimes an urge to be known, to connect to people, or to just simply write regardless of everything and of everyone. during these times, it is my own set of standard in writing that turns the attempt off. then again, i call on writer's block.

of all my reasons, and there are a lot more i could not put in, lethargy seems to be the worst enemy. but my sluggishness is a mixture of sub-reasons. i have always believed people who read a lot could have a say on more topics, but my eyes are slowly failing me at this early age. i exploited them, i know, and so now i am paying dearly for my misuse of them. these days i also am enjoying the daily two-hour ride to and fro work and so i no longer read while commuting, or jot things. also because i think that activity on the public vehicle is only apt to students.

there is still too much to write on writer's block but i guess it is high time i give it proper credit.