Bruised and totally beat up

i am tired.
once in a while this feeling of intense desperation comes creeping in, sending cold shivers to the already beat up soul. woke up this morning with a totally dim notion of life, of living, and of that dreadful curiosity of what is it like to be dead, to be entirely free of the concerns of the world, to simply lie with both hands laid in the chest as if to say i only have myself to care about, the same gesture that means indifference and of that resolute i dont care attitude.

i am tired.
i want to scream. i want to go somewhere far to a place where no one knows me, and no one wants to come near me. the leper shouts for understanding, the weary shouts for the same. the circumstances are different but the same piece of humanity from within the leper and the weary wants the same thing. understanding. in different contexts. i want peace, and quiet, and the understanding that i don't want any human contact as of the moment. i need peace. i need silence. somewhere in this crazy world, there must be that corner where there's just me and nothing else.

i am tired.
and i welcome rest. somewhere, somehow, there must be a place.


the count's going, high and fast

it didn't occur to me, not even once, that my life is a little interesting. while i have always felt that my own existence is special, an art of my own making, it always has been my perspective. only today i opened the visit count in livejournal and saw the number of my followers soaring.

so then my life is a story to some people and they have been following every chapter of it. of course they dont know me and i dont know them, that is the beauty in there, and they come from far away places. my readers are from different countries and they send comments, both good and bad, and sometimes are way too unacceptable. sometimes i get the urge to fight with them, or defend my side, but what the heck, the online diary does not tell them much about me. i might have poured out everything, heart and soul, but they will never get to see me, not even a chance to know my name so it is fine. at the end of the day, i still hold a private entity, registered in livejournal under a different name.


You Give Love A Bad Name

Shot through the heart and you're to blame
Darlin' you give love a bad name

An angel's smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion's a prison you can't break free

Oh! You're a loaded gun, yeah
Oh! There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Shot through the heart and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
Hey, you give love a bad name

Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boy's dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye

Whoa! You'€™re a loaded gun
Whoa! There'€™s nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Shot through the heart and you're to blame
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
You give love, oh!

Oh! Shot through the heart and you'€™re to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)

Shot through the heart and you'€™re to blame
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
(Bad name)

You give love
You give love
(Bad name)
You give love
You give love
(Bad name)

You give love
You give love
(Bad name)
You give love
You give love


i love the Fockers

i badly needed a lift today. for some reasons unknown, i feel like sulking in the solitude of my newfound home. i love the quiet sun-filled room with its orange curtain and wood furnishings. reminds me of my davao home.

today i love being alone. but am meeting friends later so i need to change the mood. and for this sort of thing, meeting the fockers has always proved to be the best thing to do.


ooops, i did it again!

deja vu. that's what this is.

the circumstances are the same. i have plenty of time and i have nothing much to do. internet is available and so i start tinkering my blog. and that's it. the song plays. i did it again.

template's gone. the environment-oriented, eye-friendly green template. i have some explaining to do to yessa who did the design a few months back.


the long wait is over...
had to deal with the long queue though

After the successful and very controversial Da Vinci code, the Angels and Demons is another international blockbuster adaptation of Dan Brown's novel. It is a captivating movie that will take viewers to places and back to the history of the catholic church. Tom Hanks plays the role of professor Robert Langdon, a reputable symbologist, who is in the trail of a conspiracy in his quest to decode a symbol imprinted on a piece of skin of the murder victim physicist Leonardo Vetra.

The trail leads to a secret brotherhood, The Illuminati. Clues have led them to the four pillars of Science: fire, air, water, and earth. When the Pope died, the four preferetti (the next in line for the papacy) were kidnapped and killed in a painful manner just before the start of the conclave to determine who among them is the rightful one to take the church's leadership. Langdon and Vittoria, Vetra's daughter, try to uncover the mission of the murderer and have discovered the existence of a destructive weapon instead within the walls of the Vatican in a revenge claim of the Illuminati, a group believed to be extinct for years, for being persecuted in the past. The two raced against time to prevent such terroristic act to happen.

The movie was a marvelous adaptation of the book although like all adaptations, it fails to capture some of the minute details present in the original. I still would prefer the book as it allows my imagination to wander more and live in the character's persona. What is good about movie versions is the fact that you get to travel to places. I really appreciate having a glimpse of Rome, of the Vatican to be specific. I always feel that there is so much in there, some mystery, dark and dangerous.


our dearest Lola

never to come back...

Mistakes with a capital M

Been committing mistakes lately. It's not the minor ones. It's in the superlative level. I don't want to expound on the topic just as yet. It's just mistakes after mistakes. Geeez, it's about time i re-program my life i guess.

Kwentong Jelly Beans
hango sa kwentong jelly beans ni noringai ng peyups.com

Lately, lagi kong naaalala yung kwento ni Noringai sa peyups. Favorite ko yung Kwentong Jelly Beans niya. Dati naa-appreciate ko lang dahil sa galing ng pagkakasulat pero nitong mga huling linggo na-realize ko na tumutugma sa istorya ng buhay ko ngayon ang kwento.

Ano nga ba ang meron sa Chocolate Pudding flavor na jelly bean? Ang dami kong natikman na ibang flavor. Na-try ko rin yung ibang colors. Masasarap din naman. Kaso ang Chocolate Pudding pa rin ang lagi kong hinahanap. Kung tutuusin, ang dami kong napalampas na masasarap na beans, di ko na tinandaan ang mga flavors kasi nga ang nasa isip ko lagi ay ikaw, ooops, yung Chocolate Pudding flavor pala. Ang hirap pala ng ganon, alam kong hindi tama na palampasin ko ang ibang bagay para lang sa isa, pero anong magagawa ko kung sa tuwina yun at yun pa rin ang gusto ko.

Bakit nga ba ganon? Kung pwede lang i-reformat ang buhay. Kung sana napro-program. Kaso hindi.


living la vida loca

i am missing so much lately. while i was basking in the summer iran sun, my family celebrated a lot of life's goodness. i should have gone home, i know coming to iran was not a very good decision. snail was telling me either to go home or come to the ultimate dreamland, but anyhow i chose iran for some new adventure.

not that i am regretting, not at all. the iran experience was really good. it's just that i also wish i was there with them. life! why can't we have it all?

Francis's graduation was most awaited. of course, he almost used all his residency years in UPcebu and he was tired of going over the same thing each year. thesis work was hell work. thanks he completed it finally.

standing next to the prof that gave him hard time. Pulonx does not look so mad though. It's the sablay magic working.

Maki's sablay would be the fifth for the family. my parents are collecting the maroon sash and they're counting not four but six including maki's and enzo's. if frans used up his residency, i wonder if maki would follow suit knowing and expecting him to go for aeronautical course. we really have high hopes for you, makoy, so play the field well.

been looking forward to this great family shopping adventure. it was julie's treat and i always love it when it's her turn. i miss this so badly. argh!

are they even missing me? no sign at all.

that's chinese julai and pulonx. why do i look so different from them? it's always been a question to me.

chinese julai and shobe. they don't look so similar now. they used to be, so much that our aunts and uncles would be confused sometimes. but now that julai's gained some more flesh, there's no difficulty telling who's who.

still can't figure out what's with jollibee that all kids get hooked to it. but who cares about what i understand and don't, jollibee's not for me. it's for maki!

enjoying Bohol. i miss the provincial life grandma's place offers. can't help thinking about the crabs and the lobsters lola puts in my plate everytime i come to visit.

"living la vida loca"


just some random thoughts

(thursday, april 23rd)

although i welcome pain- for it is a reminder of my humanity, i do not appreciate its regular presence in my life. simplicity has always been a principle and everything that goes beyond the limit of a few sentences, a couple of tries, and a number of teardrops has to be get rid with. i may blabber, i may fail, i may cry, and all these times i may feel the pangs of pain biting me limb by limb, but i always have the choice whether to embrace the pain or to leave it behind.

today i am choosing to turn my back on you.

(friday, 24th)
"with great power comes great responsibility." - uncle ben, from ur friendly neighborhood spiderman.

this line just never leaves my mind. agreed. but there should be no room for mediocrity as well.

(saturday, 25th)
for someone with a high level of self-efficacy, to be psychosomatic is such a degradation. i have always believed that, in one way or another, i would be able to attain any goal as long as i set my mind into it and focus all my energies toward its achievement. this result (which is only a part actually of the whole study) on my psychological status was validated almost 2 years back when a group of students came for their thesis. the result was satisfactory with me having a high level of self regard.

it is therefore a shame to sit idly, watch tv, and wait for the day to end. the hotel's compound is so small and i guess i have grown tired of meeting the same faces each day that the opportunity for social persuasions, modeling, sharing of motivations / thought patterns, even of comparing social responses is less these days when i rather preferred to stay home instead.

the ultimate sign of distress is when symptoms of psychosomatic tendencies arise in me these last two days. been singing the song "down with the sickness" and unconsciously i slipped off to the world of disturbia.

i am just stuck for a moment, but definitely i would be moving on in a little more time. i struggle to bring back that old me as i picture Bono as U2 performed in woodstock. i love the entire piece, but the favorite:

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass



... marvin and karen pulled me out of bed for breakfast. just when i have declared a no-bf personal policy, they wave the green flag for family dining.
... a missed call from mister ali starts lowtide.
... a chat with snail brings me up and about again. mk, snail. really.
... am preparing for separation anxiety attack. many of my friends are leaving for the uae in the afternoon. i am happy for them. it's just that olympic hotel won't be the same without edna, maymay, william, don, ate marilou.
... am still feeling bad for not kissing harris goodbye last monday.
... am hating myself for things i did not do and for the things i did.
... i need to get a grip with my sanity. a screw's getting a bit loose. i hope my vanity could save me.
... i'm signing off for a while.





A Sporty Holy Tuesday

sports serves as an outlet for my lowtide attacks. today has been a roller-coaster ride of emotions. woke up wanting to scream at kuya edgar for calling so early and banged the phone right on his face. this has become a habit again, a bad one, this banging of phone. i apologized to kuya though after a while.

daytime was heavy. cried for different reasons: homesickness, the wait for visa, a call from Snail, and an aching body (thanks to that unfriendly hotel mattress).

lowtide didnt last long though as after dinner, my friends (karen, marvin, ritchie - the closest to me during this period) literally tugged me out of the room. played table tennis with our irani friends (ibrahim, farhoud, salah, hussain) whose hits warmed me up for a game with kuya jodi. kuya later became a very good coach and a hitting partner who helped me with my backhand.

afterwards, played patintero with the Kabayans. too bad my team was the weaker one. we lost 2 sets of 5 games each and had to crawl twice. it was so much fun and my voice was hoarse after the game.

then again went back to table tennis. won 1 out 3 sets, not bad for someone who has not held a racket for years, hehehe.

after a while i ran to the next court to watch volleyball and played as the cheerleader. reminds me of my younger days (*wink). cheered for arvi to marvin's disappointment. well, we can't be on each other's side all the time, bro.

didn't finish the match though, went back to the table for a rally.

what a sporty holy tuesday!
(please don't tell my mom that i am in the court instead of the church today)


Qeshm Bloopers

Number 1:
(karen and me sa room, habang kumakain)
Karen: gurl, ang laki na natin. tingnan mo nga braso mo.
Ruth: huh, sobrang laki na ba?
Karen: sort of. pero proportion pa rin naman...
Ruth: ah, ok.
(after a long pause)
Karen: ... sa tiyan mo!
Ruth: oh, no!!!!!

Number 2:
Ruth: Ate, umaga na ba?
Ate Marilou: Gabi na po!
*** yaiks, yan ang totoong daylight saving time.

Number 3:
(unti-unting nagkakaroon kami ni karen ng puwang sa maliit na lipunan na aming ginagalawan)
Kuya: Ruth, Karen, may pagkain pa ba kayo?
*** waaaaaaaaah!!!

To God Be the Glory

"Lord, i offer my life to you
everything i've been through
use it for your glory.
Lord, i offer my love to you
lifting my praise to you
as a pleasing sacrifice.
Lord, i offer you my life

This is my Qeshm family. Picture was taken the night before Ate Malou, Jane, Kuya Saindy, and Kuya Arnel left for the UAE, just right after the Thanksgiving offering for the success of the Oplan Malou.

The case of Ate Malou has brought all Kabayans to unite for one cause. She's one of those who went to exit, bringing with them promises of their employers only to be dropped like a hot potato after a while. She had no money. She had no family in the UAE. Her friends were limited to a few. Not knowing what to do, she broke to tears at the slightest provocation.

Led by Kuya Ramil, we raised fund, we prayed together, and we worked out negotiations to free her of her hotel obligations. Meetings were held frequently at our villa which served as headquarters for the Oplan Malou. Karen and I, with the help of Kuya Saindy, would prepare food and everyone ate with a happy heart though the stomach may not be so full. That night, Jane treated us to a sumptuous meal of chicken pasta soup (cooked by Ate Mina) plus our combination of vegetable and tuna (again, thanks to Kuya S).

The next day was a busy one. It's Ate Malou's departure day and everyone wanted to see her off. Manong Driver, however, being the KJ that he is, didn't agree to the idea and only granted permission to a few. Nonetheless, it was a success for everyone as we all were involved in our own capacity.

The following are pictures taken before Ate Malou and the rest of the lucky ones left.
we are kuya ramil's angels
with the son of Adonis, Amir
Kuya Saindy, me, Kuya Arnel, Ate Malou, Karen, and Kuya William
ang pangit kooo!!!


karen po!

meet my newfound friend.

karen. she's my roommate. she's my every complement to every single thing. she cooks, i wash the dishes. she likes the carrot jam, i take the butter. she only eats egg yoke, i only eat the white. she takes the softer part of the bread whereas i only like the outer layer. it's a real success in geometry.

we have a lot of things in common. we click. we bonded immediately as soon as we knew each other's name. and guess what? she's Oble's daughter too. UPLB may be a distance away from UPMin but never mind the figure, the shared experiences are just too much to ignore.

at first we talked of some petty stuffs. day one was for testing the water. she talked, i talked. there was an instant liking then. and believe me, she thought i was an Iska. i also thought she was one.

day 2, we knew each other then. how bizarre circumstances have been for us. imagine us, put together in one plane, one bus, one room. lo and behold! she's from the grounds of the same U. (for more pics, visit me at tabs.)


my 2009 book list

the first quarter of the year is almost over and still i have not bought anything to read. what to do, i don't have the resources yet. however, something good is cooking and hopefully it goes on and on. as usual i have a long list of what-to-do and what-to-buy. but let's face it, i have to go slow just as yet, so let's start with the ultimate passion: books.

lately i skipped visiting the bookshop in reef mall. still, i can't hold back my tears whenever i leave a bookstore without purchasing a single item. if there is anything that could dampen my spirit, that is turning my eyes away from a good book and a good book means just anything that is interesting. so it always boils down to feeling low after a trip to the store.

this year i would be careful to buy only those that i really want. my roommates are now complaining of the boxes i have under the bed and they keep on nagging me to send them to the philippines. not that they're not enjoying. i mean, lucy has 3 of my books in her bed right now, and mel is almost done with the last temptation.

i hope blogspot would help me stick to my list. i really hope that i won't be so overwhelmed by the many books in the shop that i would again be spending too much like i did last year.

Alexandre Dumas - anything from the guru. i just love this french author. i've read most of his books but i don't know where my copies are now. i am still waiting for juan to fulfill a promise he made a few years back. i hope he still remembers that someone here in dubai wants him to go to VP bookshop.

Autobiography of Benazir Bhutto - started reading the book at the bookshop in reef mall. finished a quarter of the book, free reading thanks to kuya the storekeeper.

One Man's Meat by EB White is a "witty, succinct observations on daily life at a Maine saltwater farm. Too personal for an almanac, too sophisticated for a domestic history, and too funny and self-doubting for a literary journal, One Man's Meat can best be described as a primer of a countryman's lessons a timeless recounting of experience that will never go out of style." (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/One-Mans-Meat/E-B-White/e/9780884481928)

Prison Writing by Kim Dae Jung

Dan Brown - whoever borrowed my DB books, please return them immediately before i buy another set. pls, pls, pls!

Stephenie Meyer - i love edward cullen and that's thanks to cielo. oh yeah, i love vampire stories too. now i am missing sir joel. he's a great fan of lestat also but he wants to be the creation of either armand or of the queen of the damned. whatever! i simply love lestat. and edward cullen.

Love Story by Erich Segal - this one i want to give to Lucy.

there are more... but i am afraid it's too lofty a dream. will post next time.


found my tabs!

thanks, nikoy, for still linking this blog. in fact, i dont have the link to this anymore. was just bloghopping when i saw my old tabulas. but sad to say, i cant open this anymore. i cant remember the log in and password details. kudos to ukayaexplorers for keeping the memories alive. love u, niki, mwah!


***latest update as of 1pm today... i got the codes!!! hello tabby again.


Baby Enzo on his 2nd day on planet Earth

meet baby Lorenzo Sebastian, he's the latest addition to our growing family. fair-skinned, long-legged, chinky-eyed, he certainly has the looks of mom's line. to baby Enzo, may the world be a playground and a learning center for you. and to shang-shang, thanks for giving us a wonderful baby.


for juan, barbs, bobong, sir jo,
melds, yesa

Billie Myers

Can you hear me...
Am I getting through to you?

Is it late there...
There's a laughter on the line,
Are you sure you're there alone?

'Cause i'm trying to explain
Something's wrong,
You just don't sound the same.

Why dont you, Why dont you
Go outside, Go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever i'm gone too long
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You cant wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way i'm missing you.

Whats new,
Hows the weather...
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels like you're so far.
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What i'm left imagining
In my mind
In my mind
Would you go
Would you go

Kiss the rain

As you fall
Over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever Im gone too long
If your lips
Feel hungry and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
Were under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel you cant wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)
(kiss the rain)

Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Can you hear me


i love fridays!!!

last weekend was extra fun. yessa came, lucy cooked, mel and i went to church early in the morning. tonton from the adjacent room also came to have fun with us. it was a sorry event that our gay friends were not able to make it, otherwise Baba would have had a hard time controlling the noise from our side (to think they were performing some rite outside - prayer and the cutting of meat).

lucille, melani, ariesa, ruth marie

the ladies of the house were at its feel-beautiful state. thanks to beautician Yesa who came to turn us into Barbies. i have been telling Mel that her hair needs some treatment, been offering my professional touch since eons ago, but she always finds a reason to refuse. guess she only trusts Yesa, what to do!
pictorials! say cheese

*** i hate blogspot today... having problems with the codes, sigh!


cebu (january 27, 2009)

on my way back to dubai, i passed by cebu city and spent a day with pulonx and emat (and her beau - charles). it was a fun-filled experience (extravagant one though, thanks to emat) with a visit to cebu's finest places. i never really liked spending time in a hotel, much more spending money for a ride, but my sister proved the adventure not a waste of precious pesos but a bonding experience. we were missing shangi though. she cannot come, God bless her, due to academic and some personal affairs she has to endure for a month or two more. we wished then she finished school soon. come take a peek at this rare cebu experience.

me, pulonx, emat on the 38th floor of the hotel

pulonx and me on the Edge Ride

spectacular view from the top, isn't it?

emat and charles on the ride


chinese julai and charlie

Edge Ride graduation celebration

the race to the pot of gold


sharjah, uae

sharjah is so close to dubai from the deira side. however, the traffic is such a menace that the idea of going to this emirate seem to be a punishment rather than an adventure. i have been to sharjah several times, and in fact i am working in sharjah now, but i have never appreciated it for anything until i visited its gold souq and its corniche. for a more wonderful sharjah experience, kaliwali traffic then!

Sharjah Gold Souq

love the flowers outside the souq?

come take a closer look

hop in

the great ring

Sharjah Corniche