writer's block

i have just recently read somewhere that the notion of a writer's block is a hoax. and while i have used the idea for some time to excuse myself from the idleness, i somehow agreed when the writer of the article pointed out that several reasons affect a person's relationship with words.

i caught myself thinking, evaluating, reconciling the truth behind the article to my own experience with words and with writing. lately, i find myself to be bursting with ideas to write on, with feelings wanting to be freed, with experiences which i thought had to be written down lest they be forgotten. but once i start clicking on the tab linking to a new blog entry, everything just disappears, like a bubble that pops on its own with the slightest touch of the wind. Remnants of what was a moment ago could have been paragraphs of emotions, of dreams, of explorations, of experiences, are the only things that would be left, leaving me doubtful of my own facility to write or if not, of my connection to my emotion and to my soul.

i attribute this inability to jot down my thoughts to writer's block. somehow the idea has served me well. for a time i have gotten away, every time a grand thought cascades in the mind but dissolves in thin air, with that little flaw. however, a day of not writing which proceed to a day more, a week, a month, is not something to be taken for granted. and so after reading the article i mentioned earlier, i sat alone, collected my thoughts on writing and not writing.

i fear of being too transparent, and even while writing this i know i am pouring out so much of my mind's content. this fear, i think now, is one of the many reasons why i have this writer's block. i am afraid of being vulnerable, and when i am so transparent to the point that people could easily read my thoughts, i think i am at my most vulnerable point. i shy away from intimate relationships. i only have a few really close friends, these are people who know me inside-out, who could read my mind like their own. i know people like me for me the ability to squeeze in the crowd, but only a few knows of my ups and downs. i could not write about something i do not want to be exposed. i have come to deny this fact, and so i owe everything to writer's block.

there are times though when i feel like going beyond this fear. there arouse sometimes an urge to be known, to connect to people, or to just simply write regardless of everything and of everyone. during these times, it is my own set of standard in writing that turns the attempt off. then again, i call on writer's block.

of all my reasons, and there are a lot more i could not put in, lethargy seems to be the worst enemy. but my sluggishness is a mixture of sub-reasons. i have always believed people who read a lot could have a say on more topics, but my eyes are slowly failing me at this early age. i exploited them, i know, and so now i am paying dearly for my misuse of them. these days i also am enjoying the daily two-hour ride to and fro work and so i no longer read while commuting, or jot things. also because i think that activity on the public vehicle is only apt to students.

there is still too much to write on writer's block but i guess it is high time i give it proper credit.